Emotional Boundaries with the help of Our Rock
Can we and should we have boundaries even as Christians? It is so important and necessary to set up some emotional boundaries in our lives. A beautiful prayer from church stated, “ We praise you, the Rock of our life. Be our strong foundation that we may gladly minister to the world.” And, in Isaiah 51 it says, “ Look to the rock from which you were hewn, and to the quarry from which you were dug.”
When I think about rocks, I think about something that is heavy, sturdy and powerful. When I think about “ The Rock”, I think about the former wrestler now actor. My family knows he is one of my favorites and I think he’s really cute.
When I think about “ My Rock- Our Rock”, I think about Jesus.
Rocks can be found everywhere and are in all corners of the world. Underneath all this ground we stand on, there are layers and layers of rocks that make up the foundation of the earth. Rocks are something that can be built upon. We can use them to make a boundary for something or create a wall of protection.
Do we as Christians need healthy boundaries? Do we sometimes have to know how to protect ouselves and our emotions? I think many of us struggle with this, I know I certainly do. It sometimes feels like because we are Christians we are taught to always think of others first, to be loving and kind and to never stop forgiving. That is true, we are called to do that.
We are supposed to be helpers, protectors, encouragers. We are called to lead, teach, inspire, correct and protect. But, is it ok for us to have limits and expectations of others? Is it right for us to understand what we deserve and how we should be treated? Or do we just take whatever comes our way and act like everything is always fine? After all we have the love of God and know we have the gift of eternal life. Isn’t that enough? Or, can we and should we expect more for ourselves and from others?
I think, and have learned the answer is yes to both. Yes, we can and should keep forgiving and asking for forgiveness, but with that also comes new boundaries.
Our prayer says, Jesus is our strong foundation so that we may gladly minister to the world. If our foundation is shaky and weak, it will crumble and we will not be able to withstand the pressures life can put on us. If we are continuously worried and overwhelmed by the constant needs and concerns of others, we won’t be able to take care of ourselves. When we don’t take care of ourselves, we are not living up to our potential or being able to do everything God has called us to do.
Our brains, hearts and minds can only take so much at a time, but when our spirit is strong and our faith is our foundation, then we can build upon that. I read somewhere in one of my textbooks that the construction of the brain is somewhat like the construction of a house. A house is built from the foundation up and different parts of the structure have different functions. Also, like the brain, once the architecture is in place, you can continue learning and “ add on” or “ redecorate”, but if you have to move a wall, or add a window, it is more difficult and expensive than if you had done it earlier in the process.
The longer we live with shame, hurt , regret, guilt and unforgiveness, they become part of the walls we’ve built around us. Then, it becomes harder to move or tear down those walls and create something beautiful for us to live in. It is harder, but not impossible. With God, all things are possible.
It is easier to start our lives with those healthy boundaries and expectations. But, even if life didn’t start out that way for us, we can start now by creating the life we deserve and the life God wants for us.
The definition of emotional boundaries refer to the invisible line that seperates our feelings from another person’s feelings and allows us to disengage to avoid emotional harm, manipulation or another person’s unhealthy reliance on us. We may not always see this dependancy as a bad thing or recognize it for what it is, because it’s good to help and care for people right?
I have come to learn that people’s emotional dependance should never be more on us that it is on God. God is not only our firm foundation, but He wants to be that and is able to be that for everyone. God can and should be part of their solution. God desires to be everyone’s rock.
It says in the book, “ The Language of Letting Go” by Melody Beattie, “we should strive to help people feel empowered to make their own decisions and to remind ourselves we can do that too.” It says, “ You can think. You can feel. You can solve your problems. Those words have often benefited me more than the most profound and elaborate advice. How easy it is to fall into the trap of doubting ourselves and others. When someone tells us about a problem, what is our first reaction? Do we believe we need to solve it for them? Do we believe that person’s future rests on our ability to advise him or her? That’s standing on shaky ground.
It continues, “ When someone is struggling through a feeling, or a lot of feelings, what is our reaction? That the person will never survive that experience? That it’s not ok for someone to feel? When a person is faced with the task of assuming responsibility for their life and their behaviors, what is our response? That the person can’t do that? I must do it myself to save him or her from dissipating into ashes? What is our reaction when we encounter a problem, a feeling or when we face the prospect of assuming responsibility for ourselves? Do we believe in ourselves and others? Do we give power to people-including ourselves? Or do we give the power to the problem, the feeling or the irresponsibility? Each of us is responsible for ourselves. That does not mean we don’t care. It does not mean a cold, calculated withdrawal of our support from others. It means we learn to love and support people in ways that work for them and us. It means we learn to connect with people who love and support us in ways that work. To believe in people, to believe in each person’s inherent ability to think, feel, solve problems and take care of themselves is a great gift we can give and receive from others.”
In Psalms 138:3 it says, “ When I called, you answered me, you increased my strength within me.” God wants us to have inner strength. God gives us the power to take responsibility and make changes when needed.
It also says in His word that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and a sound mind. God wants us to know Him, He wants us to be able to hear His voice and feel His spirit leading and guiding us. He is our Rock and our salvation and in Him we can trust.
God loves us truly because of who God is, not because of anything we did or didn’t do. When we understand that about God, it also allows us to give that to others. When we remove the expectation that we have to fix everyone, than it frees us up to just love them. When I remind myself to love God and love people, life becomes a lot more simple.
My husband and I have been watching the series “ The Chosen” and I believe you can find it on Peacock. It is about Jesus and the disciples. I love this series because it shows so beautifully how as they continue to listen, learn and be lead by Him, they evolve and grow as people and start responding to things in their lives differently. It shows them literally speak out scripture and the word of God over their lives and how those words come to them when needed. It also shows how even Jesus sometimes said he needed time alone or needed to rest. Even Jesus had boundaries so He could continue to be their Rock. This TV series is a great example of regular people, just living their lives and being changed. The disciples work through their shame, feeling unworthy, struggling with anger or fear and then being changed by the love of Christ. I highly recommend watching “ The Chosen” to see examples of true transformation.
It says in Romans 12:2 “ Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God- what is good and acceptable and perfect.” God wants to be our firm foundation and allows His words to be in our thoughts and come to us when needed for direction and discernment.
It is easy to get caught up in fear and maybe just keep doing what we’ve always been doing or live life in what feels normal even though it may not be comfortable, because we are afraid of change. It is essential to let go of that fear in order to move forward into a life with a bigger purpose than just survival.
“ The Language of Letting Go” says, “Fear motivates us to control situations or neglect ourselves. Many of us have been afraid for so long that we dont’ label our feelings as fear. We’re used to feeling upset and anxioius. It feels normal. Peace and serenity may be uncomfortable. At one time, fear may have been appropriate and useful.We may have relied on fear to protect ourselves, much the way soldiers in a war rely on fear to help them survive. But, we get to live differently now. It’s time to thank our old fears for helping us to survive and say goodbye to them. Welcome peace, trust, acceptance, and safety. We don’t need that much fear anymore. We can listen to our healthy fears and let go of the rest.”
We are not fighting a battle, because we have already won the war. We can trust God and cast all our anxieties on Him because He cares for us. One of my favorite scriptures says “ Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” We may not always see the rocks we are walking on or the foundation under our feet, but we know it is there.
It is necessary to have healthy boundaries so we can walk through this life knowing we are loved and forgiven. It is beautiful when we recognize we are responding differently now to ourselves, the people in our lives and the world around us. We learn we can respond from a place of acceptance and peace rather than fear and worry. We have been tranformed. When Jesus is our firm foundation, He will not let us fall, because He is our Rock.